wildflowers, each different from the other

once in a golden hour

2004-12-08T07:15:00.000+08:00

once in a golden hour
i cast to earth a seed.
up there came a flower,
the people said, a weed.
to and fro they went,
thro' my garden bower,
and muttering discontent
they cursed me and my flower.
in a golden hour
i sat down to think.
what gives life meaning,
what makes my heart sink.
why do people work so hard,
when no one understands.
all the pain they go through.
no one comprehends.
when people forget my existence,
why do i still care.
why do i still love them,
when they're never there.
-
just the sight of the bright smile was enough to keep me grinning for the rest of the day.
i shouldn't even have indulged in this hopeless, wishful dream. thinking of it alone was a painful mistake. i don't dare to wish for anything anymore, because all my failed dreams only make me feel emptier.. and emptier.
i will be losing my reason to live.
but i have to let go. soon.

chocolate fondeau? me?

2004-12-01T23:28:00.000+08:00

aww taufiq's so farnie! he deserves what he got. =)
all da way man, i support you.
i still love jessie most though. her voice is absolutely powderful. captivating. delicious.
i only get something remotely similar to that superb voice after drinking gallons of piping hot honeywater+calamansijuice when having a sore throat.
and sadly, i don't often get sexy sore throats -sob
tts okay though, i'm a healthy girl (:
-
thanks toothfairy! prayer really helped.
haha
n u're so nice! -grin
ham. i'm so sorry i cant bring you. i'm such a bad girl. i'll see if i can bring back creations for you k?
sorry! =/ pls forgive me ok?

i am angry. hmph

2004-11-30T22:25:00.000+08:00

i need to bite something hard.
i'm so frustrated. with my parents. my brother.. everything.
damn. screwed day. my brother flew off to some last minute chalet without telling my dad
and he thinks my dad can't chide him cos he's 18 already.
like wth? i tell you, his maturity couldn't even be compared to that of a kid half his age.
and my mom was soo smart, she approved of his move, saying we shouldn't harbour all these ill feelings of frustration, anger, what the hell, making my dad get hotter.. and hotter...
so they were bad mooding the whole day.
and i here, the smaller lousier one, had to get broiled by their freaking steam. companionless.
why couldn't i be the older one?
so tiresome.
fork lah. argh.

byebye mish american pan island expressway

2004-11-29T11:23:00.000+08:00

i've been having problems with sleeping.
just last night, at two fifteen in the freaking morning i sprang up wide n alert. had too exhaust myself with sit ups crunches n jumping around muffling my yells before my unhyperacivated body consented to get back on the bed without feeling an urge to scream.
even then, i was rolling about for eons before i finally dozed off whereupon the stupid sun rose and i had to wake up again.
this is really bad.
sleeping less makes you lose your growth hormones, and when there is a deficiency of growth hormones i cannot grow, which means i have to hydrolyze my proteins to grow, then i'll suffer from starvation, then i'll...
but never mind if you all treasure me well enough, i don't mind dying younger. =D *awww...*
on a more serious note. i think i have to take pills soon.
induced sleep. its better than nothing. i have to have my sleep.
omg. this is rubbish.

why must i be me =/

2004-11-23T19:45:00.000+08:00

o sootfairy, d'amour. when the time is ripe, i will
1. figure out who u are.
2. be nice back to you =)
3. GET MY MONEY BACK.
*
and yarh. tammy. you're so dead.
-
gonna be really busy these holidays. section chalet + jrs camp almost overlaps each other, then there's mrs chua's bands' christmas party, then there's church camp band camp this camp that camp... .......*rubs eyes.
i feel faint.
looks ard. wokay, no one here to save me now. better save the seizure for later.
-
made another set of spaghetti for my parents last last night.
and then went to sleep, cos it was late le. then, without my super watchful eyes and careful guidance she microwaved the sauce. omg! i totally freaked out when i found out last morning.
after the traumatic rescue operation the last time she attempted to microwave food in front of me, apparently she doesn't see what are the long term effects that can be caused by scaring me this way repeatedly. many many times.
so when i saw a bottle of warmed up brands essence of chicken on my placemat. i put on gloves, carried it to her room and very politely asked. "microwave one is it?"
and she burst out laughing.
hoW COULD she. -steam puffs out of ears.
-
i try to think that life's not as difficult as it annoyingly seems to be.
that having many things on hand doesn't mean i don't have time for myself.
that my family is a closely tied, happy one.
distressingly, reality isn't that nice to us people.
i resent talking about lousy problems to people. putting them into words, things only get more confusing. complex? perhaps.
i guess i pay less attention to some aspects and magnify others, so the priorities become less distinct. even undefined.
what am i talking about? psh. stop gawking at me. i don't know.
most of all, its embarrassing. i don't like troubling them. plus all the funny advices..=/
i hope i haven't sent across the wrong message. listening ear service is still available to you guys.
clapclapclap. yay.

to my toothfairy!

2004-11-22T13:57:00.000+08:00

toothfairy dearest. how could you be so cruel as to torment my poor sore soul.
your words have stabbed through the depths of my already broken heart and swivelled round and about till there is nothing left but a dark, endless abyss. (cross reference happy tree friends)
now, i humbly ask you to refrain from harbouring suspicions. for without a doubt, i have been a saint all my life.
-
oii tell me who u r lah. *bambi eyes.
clue me. come on.. everyone knows u're nice. -biiig wink

there IS a tooth fairy out there

2004-11-21T20:27:00.000+08:00

aww. toothfairy's so nice!
here's something i always wanted to tell you.
YOU OWE ME $8. all my teeth drop out alr still no money under my pillow.
lol. just kidding. i'm not so aggressive. serious.
so. tell me.
vhat zeed yoo sink? vas id gude or vas it bhaadd? led me nn-ohh dokay?
-
i went for my first church choir prac today! aunty hazel makes me blush.
i was put in sop. and she's been talking to me in a super high pitched voice ever since.
had jrs camp mtg after tt. yingyi has no legs at all. not even stumps.
anw, assistant secretary took minutes. i took 4 full pages of minutes! pro right
then 34 minutes into the 3rd hour sister. kailing so kindly told me tt i didn't have to write so much in detail.
-
i miss my edible friends..
ham, diaper and honeybrownie.
and all the other not so edibles.
*sob

i love st florian!

2004-11-17T10:02:00.000+08:00

i'm totally in love with st florian choral now.
its stuck in the back of my head the front the sides the middle everywhere.
but some said it wasn't really nice in the concert. wrong key or smth
gotta go check notes next prac =/
anw. my reeds really know how to kill me. i only found out tt my concert size 4 (ham) was dying at 4pm. and my 2nd best (brownie) was nice sounding in a room, not a hall.
so at the concert. i was using bambam, an unseasoned size 4 reed. faints.
but bambam did well. i love bambam. yay applauds -wink
clarinet section's so smart. we carried only 2 bags. one for files one for everything else.
like water tissue digestive biscuits baby wipes pacifiers etc.
i better keep my mom at home next time. she tells my friends everything.
everything under the sun. she didn't even leave out what brand of diapers i used to wear.
and ham wants my brother. omg. lol
i was mean to honey brownie last night. felt so bad.
cos i was accounting for my jrs.. frustrating cos there were so many of them all over the place
-helping other sections =)))
but still, no excuse for not being nicer. bambam sucks. she's going to apologize now.
lol
ivy n nurul's got this weird thinking tt victoria is haunted with monsters.
u should have seen their priceless reaction when i opened the dressing rm door and said boo.
heehee.

last prac =/

2004-11-13T19:06:00.000+08:00

i think we should bring ham sandwiches along to victoria.
then we'll all be big and strong.
i eat ham. i eat ham.
ham's good for bambam
ham's good for bambam
so tall so strong, i eat ham
delicious yummy hammie ham
gotta get yourself some ham
we love ham. we love ham!
-
hmm. today was the last practice. sunday off monday off tuesday performance.
sectionals. spent the whole time on st florian. at least it sounds nicer now.
we've been practicing a lot lately. almost everyday since finals ended. everyday since the hols started. except sundays
mrs chua still thinks we're not a good band. she was quite upset yesterday, and today she didn't want to expect much of us.
i'm really nervous, really scared. not just for my section, but for myself too.
i take them so much tt i barely have time for myself.
at [19] cherlynn played flute so nice. sam played oboe so nice. then i simplay had to spoil everything by playing so totally obiangly.
i hope we remember everything we took note of and put more effort than we've ever put into our music before.
i believe in miracles*

i am HUNGRY

2004-11-11T17:46:00.000+08:00

i was hungry.
so i told my mom. "mummy. are you hungry?"
and she got the not so subtle hint and went to the kitchen.
and she came out. and guess what she made me??
HAM SANDWICH.
-stares at it with big eyes
ham. i really cant bring myself to eat you. because if i eat u, u'll be no more. u'll go down my infected oesophagus into my acidic stomach, get squashed by my intestines and come out as -
chokes.
so should i eat you? poor ham. i'm really hungry u know.
super dooper ooper hungry..
and mummy says tt we must not waste food. think of all the children in third world countries.
starving. dying.
omg there goes my stomach again. rrRRRRrrroaAr.
remember cookie monster? he stared sadly at the cookie. talked to it. comforted it.
hugged it.
then
mMFf chOmP chomP mMFFfff.
-sniffle.
byebye hammie. i will miss you.
mMFf chOmP chomP mMFFfff.

clogged toilet bowl

2004-11-11T07:42:00.000+08:00

very nice people of yesterday:
jeann and her daddy
band yesterday. mr lee came for the last rehearsal.
he actually made a game with the notes in bar before G =/?
broken telephone line or smth. so i thought he was the nice person of the day.
then he took syncopation for G. me alone. said i must learn first then can teach the section.
so i played
"noOOoO."
lalala
"aahh.. yes!"
palapapapa
"that's it!"
and again and again.. and then
*squeak*
"noOOoO"
so i disqualified him. cos he knew i couldn't breathe properly.
break after he left, asked mrs chua if i could just sit in for the rest of band prac.
she felt my forehead, and then she said "i think you're hot." -beams widely
but then she added "why don't u go home?" ..=/
okay, so she wasn't thinking the way i was.
pam still needs common sense and logic. pam tan of course, not me. -wink
jean brought me to her dad (doctor) after band. he said he'd try to make me get better by tuesday!
haha. how nice. and he didn't charge me. :( must make sure i pay next time.
jean accompanied me ard the whole afternoon! i must give her kinderbueno.
anyway.. i still dare not say tt our section is good enough for musical evening yet.
but we will get there. somehow.

no food nvm

2004-11-03T21:06:00.000+08:00

funny mozilla firefox web browser. no more internet explorer.
so smart, now i cant hear my 20th century fox intro and the carpenter crooning
"...i've been through a desert on a horse with no name. it felt good to be out of the rain..."
sighs big time.
our long long time ago conductor mr lee's coming to take us tmr. pretty nervous. hope they remember what they've learnt so far.
hope i can play properly under stress.
aaaaaahhh
i will pray.
God, do u hear my plea?

eat in a better place

2004-11-01T20:31:00.000+08:00

and the dream we would conceived in
will reveal a joyful face
and the world we once believed in
will shine again in grace
then why do we keep strangling life
wound this earth, crucify it's soul
though it's plain to see, this world is heavenly
be God's glow.
*
be could fly so high
let our spirits never die
in my heart I feel
you are all my ~~brothers~~ sisters.
create a world with no fear
together we'll cry happy tears
see the nations turn
their swords into plowshares
we could really get there
if you cared enough for the living
make a little space to make a better place.

for when i am weak then i am strong

2004-10-24T23:22:00.000+08:00

"therefore i take pleasure
in infirmities, in reproaches,
in necessities, in persecutions,
in distresses for Christ's sake:
for when i am weak, then am i strong."
-II corinthians 12:10

our fate has been decided.

2004-10-23T21:37:00.000+08:00

the wind brought along pretty bad news. heard that band prac was a flop today.
so much for my oppressed optimism.
i guess with this kind of atmosphere in the band, many people understandably will drift away.
and we cant blame them. they were given the chance to change their mindset about how band would be a place they could feel belonged, a period of time they could be happy, and a memory they'd find good to remember. and as people try so hard to discipline, to improve and to distiguish the difference between work and play, they forget the minute details about how the approach they take might give a different message, that no band leader gives a shit about how you feel, they just want you to be of use to the organisation.
after thinking it through, i don't blame them for drifting away..
but there's one thing i cannot accept. why is everyone allowed to give up when they encounter "big" problems. everyone but us. why is it that they have a right to live a life where they can decide their priorities, while we on the other hand, faced with problems too, just like an ordinary person, cannot simple sit down and give up because people depend on us. why are they given the opportunity to forget about how others depend on them, about how their actions affect the people around them, but we are not. why is this the case?
no matter what the reason is, i will not give up on the band.
*
its so frustrating to have such a big load to deal with but still get the least appreciation.
its not like i'm hoping for big thanks or anything. but its just nice if a person realises how hard an sl tries to improve her section. just for the sake of the band.

eat eat eat

2004-10-23T17:14:00.000+08:00

no appetite. and she keeps making me eat.
you know, she almost microwaved my first perfect set of spaghetti.
how very thoughtful. all the vitamins and minerals i took so long to balance in almost got slaughtered.
so after this traumatic rescue operation, obviously i'll be having a slight phobia of the sight of food right?
but the case is sad, and she can only see edible morsels as gifts of apology.
chasten me for being so critical. but also help me see the light in this logic.
haha. what can i say.
the agony.
reported sick today. wonder how band was. what they did during sectionals.
was this practice any better than the last? hope so.
i'll look at it this way, maybe my expectations of my section is a little too high, but i guess its also good that i expect them to be "over-apt" musically, so if we don't reach the benchmark, we'll still be at a good standard.
then again, in the process of pushing them forward, i as an extremely inexperienced sl fail to see that some people start to get unhappy.
i've really tried to make sure i left no one out. praised the good, encouraged the not so good.
because as i've said before.. everyone in the section is equal. its just that some buds take a longer time to blossom.
argh. i've given away so much love to everyone that there's nothing left for myself but hate.
which is pretty good anyway. hatred makes us stronger.

council camp

2004-10-22T20:37:00.000+08:00

council camp's over! 3 days.
was a pretty nice 3 days. first time having a "non church camp".
special projects so together. haha. nice..
felt that i fitted in for once. then again, might have been my wild imagination
enjoyed the moments while i could, then went totally crazy after. then did self examination and reflection on how letting it go always brought unhappiness in my life.
dang my life.
haha.
liling is so funny. the violent pepsi cola.
oh. and she doesn't know how to play o-pillar properly! poor girl. deprived childhood.
i will observe a moment of silence for her.
okay, after running round and round the whole school, i finally got to know my overall results! :)
i wasn't the one commenting on it though, ms ng was. so ambrosial. (word of the day)
bio and ss/geog both 64! faints. miss b3 by a pt.
so my l1r5 shot up. 4th in position again.
many ppl were sad during camp..
actually i t hink.. wanna be sad right, set aside some time everyday to be sad.
cry wail holler and everything, then return a happy person.
that way, you get to be a happy person more effectively, yet you don't bottle up not so positive feelings to the extent that you hurt yourself, or anything else. (distant applause)
at least tts what i think, n tts what i try to do.
i cooked spagetti today, and designed the cheese bits in the gravy to look like "sp" with a weird crown on top. took a sad picture, but sadly, i cant fit the memory card into the card reader.
gotta wait for brother to come home. or else he'll say i vented my anger on his stuff again.
i never lor. i only decapitated his beanie baby cos it stared at me so very irritatingly and disassembled his remote control car cos i was bored. actually, it was for his own good. he's already a jc2 student, going ns next year. hot wheels his head lah
*
had band yesterday. and i am more and more convinced tt i am the world's lousiest sl.
problems are in such stupendous numbers that jean had to step in and talk to them.
even so, i truly doubt if anyone got the message.
i don't know if i'm happy where i am now. should have left school in sec2 when i could.
too bad so sad i felt so lamely attached to the band tt i couldn't. and look where my life stands now.
i don't understand why i have to put in so much for this band, only to find that the people i try to guide doesn't care. that they have already implanted a firm thought in the head that nobody can change what they think. that they're inferior, that they're superior, tt they're the worst that they're the best that they're not even one of us, whatever. like wth? what is this??
i'm just like anyone of them, i have family problems too. esp now.
i have problems with friends, relatives blah blah, everything. i am also a problem.
but i cant just give up and dump everything on the floor, making things difficult for everyone around me. much as i want to leave this world, i cannot.
do the some people know how difficult it is to always be listening, and listening to them day after day after freaking day, but have nobody to turn to to share your own problems. why are they so blinded by everything tts thrown their way tt they forget to notice that hey, she's human, she has pretty big problems too. how can i say "aiyah, you don't understand lah, your life so easy to live."
yes. its that your deduction by the fact that i laugh and play so happily so often?
poor ss teacher. how to find even the inference mark?
yet again, i only have the same few words to say to myself. what have i done wrong? why do i always to wrong stuff? why do i make my life seem so simple when all i think about sometimes is to let the prevalent pressing darkness wash over me and take me away to a place where i don't have to suffer in silence so much anymore.

i will wear black for tammy.

2004-10-03T16:40:00.000+08:00

tammy shared her big little secret with me today.
its a very funny secret. so unique. it can make ur jaw drop and eyes pop out at the same time.
like in The Mask..
anyway, it is that time of the year again.. where the examosaveusophobia bigfog makes its unwelcome descent upon the povertystrickengodforsaken land of Crescent. this fog is new among the sad people in this land, but not to worry, they have had enough fog survival training courses with less risky experiences such as the testaieehelpmeophobia mist, testaieesavemeophobia haze, quizohwe'redeadophobia slightfog and of course, the finalsospareusophobia fog. (these fogs are arranged in order of increasing fatality)
blessed friends from neighbouring planets are getting ready their kaleidoscopes to view the most interesting display of the sudden drastic change in crescent earthlings. these homosapiens often found with their behinds firmly plastered onto sofas or swivel chairs in front of tv sets and computers will now be found devoting 66%of their time to unnervingly intriguing textbooks. (the other 34% or less for sleeping)
after effects of the skyhighly contagious virus include the explosion of mobil and 7/11 after each paper because of an immediate unanimous rush to fill up growling stomachs (after missing recess to study) upon hearing the dismissal bell and eventually, road blockages due to half dead crescentians sprawled along the slope leading up to our front gate.
please, call now. these sufferers truly need your generous support.
"enjoy life, there's plenty of time to be dead."

was never am not will never be

2004-09-24T16:43:00.001+08:00

i'd rather be a could be
if i cannot be an are;
cos a could be is a maybe
reaching for a star
i'd rather be a has been
than a might have been by far;
for a might have been has never been
but a has was once an are.
*
i made a mistake. i wish i didn't, i really wish i stayed on in the canteen that day.
because it was only after that day that they started to treat me like an kwashikorkor
i'm not a kwakor, i really try to be normal. i try to make up to them
because i know no matter how i justify myself, no matter how many friends i have on my side.
this gossip will not stop. i just have to make new friends.
but now even as i've started speaking to other people again. i am compelled to hold a part of myself back
i don't know when i'll start to trust someone again. when i'll be able to accept myself again.
why do i choose to follow my heart and not the mind? everyone else follows the mind.
and by following my stupid small deformed heart i only get left out from the big crowd.
why do i choose this option, to be different. to challenge.
why was i so stupid to think that by having a true mouth of my own i'd be able to respect myself more. that i'd be more than just a useless, kwashikorkor kid in our society.
i don't expect people to understand me. i just wish more people would accept me for who i am.
i tried to be nice to myself.. but it just feels better to be nice to others instead. even though i don't get much in return.
then again. there's no point in being nice to me. i won't feel a thing anyway.
i look around me, and i see people unhappy.
and i wonder. why would they be unhappy?
i will never know.
what hinders me from hurting myself anyway?

if i cannot be an are

2004-09-17T18:57:00.000+08:00

quite unstable today.
sometimes i wish i was an it. maybe a sparrow.
so worry free.. so happy. it flies around with just the least bit of care for the cycles in the world..
and one day, it goes on its usual morning stroll (flight). and a man shoots it down as it passes a rifle range.
since its circulatory system is so small. it's stroke will come faster, its soul will depart quicker. and before it realises what has happened
it's sitting on an angel's shoulder.
*
what a wonderful world.

i'd rather be a could be

2004-09-15T21:28:00.000+08:00

when someone slaps your cheek, offer the other.
in most cases, when someone says something mean, criticises you or wrongs you.
a natural reflex would be to defend. to justify yourself. its human nature.
but we're not the only ones in this community.. and if she/he doesn't think about the feelings of the other party or their thought process.. then its up to you to do so.
isn't all about giving in, rather going beyond just words.
u r given the choice. to learn something, or to be hurt.
then why oh freaking why do i always choose to get hurt?!

anyway, no pain no gain

2004-09-11T21:41:00.000+08:00

started out the day in the lousiest way possible.
i point out that this is just the second quarrel we've had.. since i've known you.
the first was pretty indirect. as ur partner i tried to help a little n u scolded me. what did u expect me to feel? then, insecure, i shut myself away from you and some classmates gave u the evil eye. then. didn't i open myself to you again, for the sake of both partnership and classmateship?
when people in class were deducing character traits from the way you casually treated friends and not so friends alike. even during particular recess break i refused to talk to anyone after getting the sharp tongue. to anyone who said anything not so positive about you, i spoke up for you. i remember the line "don't judge her that way. we're not perfect either."
this year. same class, but not so much interaction. until 'you know when'
well now. don't tell me you haven't changed much either.
after what happened. you said u'd stand by me. cos u understood.
did u mean that? or were u just trying to showcase chim english and psychological skills? i stood up for you in previous yrs. i treated you in a manner i thought i'd like to be treated by you in return. whether or not u returned it didn't matter.
its barely 2 months. you couldn't try to understand/tolerate for 2 months?
don't give me that shit about me having changed so much. woman, u're not so perfect either. i didn't want to be so critical cos i could understand the change one is obliged to go through in that position. i'm in ur position and u're in mine. u're low key, but a strong fighter. good plan. u expect more of yourself. reason obvious. u became more leaderish, that's okay. insensitive, i don't see or smell why so.
today.
"did sk tell me or you? then why did u go?" we both heard it and u didn't move so i got up now pls help me see my mistake
"i was going to tell her later." and be the last class to get our stuff
"yes. i scold u then u go suck up to them. everytime like that." erm sgt i merely asked them to line up according to index number as sk instructed
"don't give that face. yah cry, i don't care at all" girl ah i stare at you. no tear.
"i don't want you hanging around me anymore" pls don't be so ego.
and after this episode. you want me to say sorry i was wrong, pls i beg you forgive me. it will never happen again?
wait till i become les.

poot?! ROARR!

2004-09-10T21:56:00.000+08:00

doesn't seem like her words are taking any effect on the band anyway.
somehow there's this feeling that no one's taking band seriously anymore.
we don't get that kind of fear, drive that pushes us on to make sure we get at least something done within practice. no goal, no objective. no initiative, almost.. no interest.
bringing the band together isn't as easy as most people think it is. some think the band is already pretty bonded already. sad truth, it isn't. at all. all you see is a large group of people thinking they have okay attitudes leaving out the minority who have trouble fitting in.
bonding the band isn't any kind of single handed effort. in the first place, sec3s have to unite.
but hey look.. there isn't much team spirit. go ahead, pretend, defend. deep down you guys know.
and when even the sec3s cant bond. not even the com or sls, how are we supposed to expect our juniors to learn.
leading shouldn't do much to you. and leading doesn't put you in any different a position than the people you lead.
sometimes.. i feel staying on in this school was a mistake. there's nothing much to look forward to anymore.
the reason why i didn't leave was cos the band was pretty established.. after its first gold in how many yrs.
or so i thought. complacency.

no name no pain. and mine's.. poot poot. =X

2004-09-08T21:02:00.000+08:00

the retractable chairs are not very user friendly.
we were having chem in the arts ttrette today
and so many stuff fell through the cross sections. textbooks.. pencils.. doodlings.. pillows..
just maybe a little of the fault lied in the owners who loosed their grasp on those objects just a ee bit on the transition between lesson and dreamland. i hide my face in guilt.
sectionals. okay i guess. went to help out during my break. just hope they figure soon that we have to cherish time.
wasted so much time comparing stuff.. caught up so much in technical stuff. i didn't make full use of my time in cgssb.. now must cherish the last half yr we have in band..
soon it'll be over n we'll be asked to leave.
all we've done or tried doing.. we'll never know who will remember.
its the satisfaction from knowing we left smth for our jrs, for the good of the band that drives me on.
till now i still cannot find any reason why i feel so attached to the band.
its just something. an emotion. not forced, but natural.
i hope our efforts pay off.

horse no name

2004-09-04T21:48:00.000+08:00

what's the use of saying so much..
trying to do so much, finding out so much.
when no matter how hard you try.. you cant motivate your juniors to like band.
being given the job to bring the section together doesn't mean that the section are already a bunch of music enthusiasts.. and just because some seniors gave this position doesn't mean that they actually support u.
and thanks to my naive nature i didn't realise that
until now.
and even then, so much time has been wasted already.
it'll be such a disappointment if mrs chua starts losing hope in clarinet section again.
and with me trying futilely to lead.. high chances that we're on that path again.
today i tried taking one by one.
and found that some of them.. its like they just picked up the instrument. like they just entered.
don't know how to start.. how to end. how to hold. how to move forward.
how to switch.. and how to play like professionals.
wrong fingering the then tongue stick out face turn red blue purple.
not obvious make until so super obvious.
and now. for the first time in the almost 3 yrs in band.
mrs chua sent the clarinet sect out for tuning.
i was a bad choice.

poked and poked and poked all night.

2004-08-29T23:15:00.000+08:00

i'm happy for my fellow diaper! she is a royal diaper ok.. pro one.
but she's soaked. ahh well, accidents do happen.
anyhows, she is still persevering in a manner that will make all the ms angs in the world proud.
so.. applaud proudly for her majesty the diaper!

and she poked to the left and she poked to the right.

2004-08-27T22:04:00.000+08:00

i am never. ever ever going to do another afternoon of detention duty ever again for the rest of my life till the day i drop into my grave. not ever till death do i do. huh?
ok.. enough rubbish.
so today was pretty much a disappointing day.
not a nice friday. weird, cos fridays are supposed to be happy days.
thinking of how to motivate someone.
i guess i should know how she feels, i've been in her position.
and i took a hard route, not knowing the existence of any easier ones.
and from where i stand.. apparently its possible to help.
but i've given her so many chances. she just doesn't understand why i'm doing what i'm doing.
she started to improve.. so why now stagnated again..
put her in for performances also difficult. want to help her but she doesn't want to help herself.
now gotta see to her academic stuff too.
then the other one.. her own pieces cannot play still asking for first part scores.
don't give then whine n pout.. when i say no i don't exactly feel on top of the world u know.
its just that its a little unfair. we had to work hard to get here. shouldn't you too?..
duty was really difficult today.

2004-08-17T21:27:00.000+08:00

*chokes* the last post was a little deviated.. from the natural train of thought
u know.. as in.. you know that sense. the way the human mind works..? ok i'm making no sense.
i hope we will be able to prepare ourselves sufficiently for bangkok. with sch activities and all else.
want to have sectionals also so difficult. somemore my sect ppl so higher order thinking.. after school must stay back for all the this that thoses. (actually philosophy's pretty cool i think)
gotta start planning schedule for sept hols now. cannot turn out to be another aimless break
many things to talk about
but for some reasons (...like social studies....)
gotta keep it till later.
haha!
from now on she will restrain herself from being herself.
ie herself=the upstairs got problem herself.

2004-08-17T20:48:00.000+08:00

ok. rest assured. i'm not gonna do the greetings my countrymen hearye and make no mistake today marks the end of the dreaded testohelpmeophobia's 3rd and 2nd last visit to the school with the motto cgs, translated directly from the popular latin thingy, memento mori
..or smth in that drift.
(by the way, it means remember you will die)
and by the other way.. i think i accidentally did that speech again. sorrie
but i digress.
so there's now approx 1 month to go until the start of our finals.
english, most probably. then the next weekend will of course be chinese.
then the following week will be everything else, and the next week the church people will once again get the honour of seeing a few bodies sprawled out on the little slope leading up to the front gate. (those alive will be probably trying to appreciate the glorious sun before the school takes them in again for another year of gruelling something.)
and some not emotionally affected to that extent will be found in mobil or redhill
drowning their sorrows in chicken pies pringles and whatnots.
yesh. i've seen them all. (ok fine and been one)
its like, a unconsciously adopted tradition
ever since *cough* became the *cough cough³*
number of syllables in direct proportion.

syncope, vertigo

2004-08-09T23:00:00.000+08:00

she staggered, fell over, (syncoped?) and breathed her last.
shouldn't have done 8732468 crunches at one go, she thought.
now i won't get to tell the world.
that i have done my best and i have no regrets!
you should really give me a chance, i tell you u'll regret. i'll get into top ten!
and australia looked up from down under to the quaking up above because the little town of singapore was trying so hard to stifle their HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
oops.

she died.

2004-08-09T22:59:00.000+08:00

i have to admit i am pretty much confused by the new blogger.
(looks around) wonder what this does...
kaaboom!
ok.. so that obviously wasn't the publish button.

a particular beginning results in a particular end.

2004-08-07T10:16:00.000+08:00

again. another beginning
i just wonder. how many beginnings can we actually have.
how many times can we try and try again.. until someone steps in and says we've had enough chances, this was the way we were doing ____, no other tries to begin again.
if the number of times you were given to try was limited.. would we still be disregarding the fact that or actions affected others.. would we make mistakes half as much?
lets see.. where did i stop in the last try. not considering mishaps
*
the story had something behind it. it was not entirely a recount..
ok, connecting with stories was never my forte.
haha. indeed.
must learn to take life a little lighter.